How to Control Your Anger Instead of Letting It Control You

Anger is a powerful emotion, one that many of us struggle to understand and manage. Suppressing it doesn’t make it disappear; instead, it simmers until it erupts, often in destructive ways. How can you take control of your anger and channel it constructively?

Why We Struggle With Anger

From an early age, many of us are taught to suppress anger. “Don’t get mad, it’s not polite.” “Why are you pouting?” “If you shout, you won’t get dessert.” Sound familiar?

These messages teach us that anger is unacceptable. Over time, we learn to ignore or hide it, even when our boundaries are crossed. But anger doesn’t go away just because it’s buried. Instead, it builds, eventually exploding in ways that can damage relationships and self-esteem.

The problem isn’t anger itself. It’s aggression. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to perceived threats, giving us the strength to defend ourselves. It’s how we express it that matters.Nije problem osećati ljutnju. Ponašati se agresivno jeste. 

How Suppressed Anger Affects Us

Think of anger as lava simmering beneath the surface. Suppressed anger doesn’t disappear—it festers, manifesting in:

• Sudden outbursts.

• Passive-aggressive behavior.

• Chronic stress and anxiety.

• Physical symptoms like tension headaches or fatigue.

Unaddressed anger also limits our ability to grow and connect with others. Learning to acknowledge and process it in healthy ways is essential for emotional well-being. 

Understanding Anger as a Call to Action

Anger can be a powerful motivator for positive change. For example, imagine being overlooked for a promotion. While the initial anger might feel overwhelming, it can also inspire you to reassess your career goals or advocate for yourself more effectively. Anger, when channeled, pushes us to confront injustice and make necessary changes.

As Pablo Picasso once said, “Every act of creation begins with an act of destruction.” This concept reminds us that anger, when directed constructively, can lead to transformation and growth.

How to Control Anger Effectively

1. Recognize Your Anger

The first step in managing anger is acknowledging it. Notice the physical sensations—a racing heart, clenched fists, or heat rising in your chest. These signals are your body’s way of saying, “Something needs attention.”

2. Create Space

When anger flares, take a moment to pause. Deep breathing or stepping away from the situation can prevent impulsive reactions. Giving yourself space allows time to process your emotions and respond thoughtfully.

3. Find Healthy Outlets

Anger needs release, but in ways that don’t harm yourself or others. Some constructive outlets include:

• Physical activities like running, boxing, or yoga.

• Journaling your thoughts and feelings.

• Creative expression through art therapy.

In art therapy, for instance, working with clay can provide a satisfying tactile way to process anger. Smashing or molding clay allows you to physically release pent-up tension while engaging in a creative and transformative process.

4. Communicate Constructively

When you’re ready, express your feelings calmly and clearly. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as, “I felt hurt when my ideas weren’t acknowledged in the meeting. Can we discuss this?” Constructive communication helps rebuild trust and understanding.

5. Reflect and Learn

After an anger episode, reflect on what triggered it. Ask yourself:

• What was I feeling before the anger arose?

• What boundary or need was crossed?

• How can I address this proactively in the future?

What an Art Therapy Session Looks Like in Managing Anger

Imagine sitting in a quiet, safe space, surrounded by art supplies. Your therapist hands you a piece of clay and encourages you to work with it. As you mold and shape it, you might feel the tension in your body start to ease. The physical act of pressing, pulling, or even smashing the clay allows you to express emotions you may not yet have words for.

Your therapist might then guide you to reflect on the shapes you’ve created or how the process made you feel. This dialogue helps you uncover deeper insights and connect the physical act of creation to the emotional landscape within you. By the end of the session, you feel lighter, more in control, and better equipped to handle your anger constructively.

As Joel Latner says, we are responsible when we are “aware of what is happening to us” and when we “consciously acknowledge our actions, impulses, and feelings.”

During sessions focused on processing anger, we have the opportunity to examine aspects of our personality that are often suppressed or ignored, or that escape uncontrollably, preventing us from understanding the causes of our anger.

The process incorporates materials that stimulate sensory experiences, such as sand, clay, or even water. Clay is an excellent medium for releasing anger as it can be easily manipulated, transformed, and absorbs impacts if needed.

Other materials that effectively release energy include paper, newspaper, cardboard, plasticine, as well as sticks, spatulas, or hammers—anything that can be torn, smashed, or crushed. When materials are used for destruction, the remains are then repurposed to create something new.

In this way, the act of destruction symbolically retains the possibility of creation. Destruction is not left as mere destruction but becomes part of a transformative process of reconstruction and growth.

The Bigger Picture

Anger is not your enemy. It’s a signal that something in your life needs attention. By learning to manage it, you reclaim control over your emotions and actions. This not only improves your relationships but also strengthens your sense of self.

If anger has been controlling you, it’s time to turn the tables. Download my free Emotional Journal to start exploring your feelings and uncovering triggers. Together, we can work on transforming your anger into a tool for growth and empowerment.